Listen; Jonny Foreigner has come unstuck in time. Today is
Armistice Day in France. This is the same as Remembrance Sunday in England
except that the French have ironically forgotten not only what it is should be called but
what day it was on. It’s a day to try and remember how many wars we’ve had and
the date is significant because it’s two days after 9/11 (today is 11/11 for
those of you who haven’t checked) which is when the world decided enough was
enough and we would prevent all future wars by ruining the economy and not
being able to afford them any more.
It’s a public holiday here in France because it’s the only
day soldiers are allowed to go on strike. Everyone has to go on strike at least
once a year in France, it’s a legal obligation. A national holiday was introduced
so everyone could stay at home because we all know what soldiers are like. I
had a second-cousin in the marines who survived 12 years in combat only to
snuff in on leave at a Hanoi brothel. The autopsy was unable to reveal if it
was the 3 litres of absinthe, the 2 pounds of suspicious sushi, the belt around
the neck or the lemur. We had to hold the funeral in secret for fear any of his
squadron would attend the wake and we’d end up with more blood on our hands.
The symbolic flower of the Armistice is the cornflower, a
small, bright blue thing. They are not to be trusted with poppies as they are
naturally a self-indulgent people and would use them to make heroin and listen
to jazz. The worst they could do with a cornflower is make a crème brulee (which
they did, originally only on this day but, as I just mentioned, they have as
much self-restraint as Hugh Hefner).
Remembrance Sunday is much more important in England because
we were more involved in both of the world wars. You can see this reflected in
the poetry of The Great War as Siegfried Sassoon is all filth, gas and
dismemberment (reminds me of the locker-room after rugby) whereas in France
they have Arthur Rimbaud who wrote Le
Dormeur du Val about a typical Gallic soldier who slept through battle. So
it goes.
